It has been awhile since blogging for many reasons but the main one is we are in a battle right now and in the lowest valley of life. This path our family is currently walking seems to not have many high moments and pretty much uphill and against the wind. The simplest things are hard and in order to function, we try to compartmentalize as much as possible. I’m focused on work (probably too much) but it has allowed me to feel somewhat normal in my day to day activities especially as I work with just a great group of people. Amy’s focused on Jacob and managing his activities, and emotions while doing an unbelievable job as a mother while also managing our household.
But getting us outside of these areas at night, early in the morning or during any “free time”, we are mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually drained like never before in our lives. I’m sure in some grief textbook, there is a name for this stage or the ever-popular cliché “season” but to be honest, I don’t care what the name is, how long it lasts or even ways to deal with it or learn more about it.
There are two main areas of wisdom and learnings that I’ve gained through this whole ordeal from the awful morning in September when discovering Hannah’s cancer to the late afternoon on November 1st when we held our dead daughter in our arms and onward to this day in July:
The first one is that this grieving pain of Hannah doesn’t get better. It hurts like the worst pain you have ever experienced and that’s not going to stop until we are together again in Heaven. I’m getting better at hiding my pain, getting better at adapting to this new life and getting better understanding and dealing with people both those who supported us throughout and those who abandoned us when she died.
The second one is Jesus. Simply Jesus. Jesus. In looking back on my entire life, I really don’t know why He chose me, I didn’t understand it at first but He did and now oh how I am so glad He did! I don’t deserve Him especially when I fall back into worldly activities, deny Him at times as the Lord over everything in my life and overall have a lack of faith. Without Him, I’m nothing and without Him, I would be on the wide path to destruction and hell. That is the truth. John Bower, a great guy I work with at Irio, brings this point up quite often which I’m paraphrasing – either He is who He says He is which is the Savior of the world or Jesus is a lying lunatic. One or the other? Not a nice teacher who said neat things, which one is He? To me, He is my Savior and thankfully for my Hannah, He was her Savior!
We’ve been through a lot obviously with Hannah’s death and have had the typical reactions to this blog and to our devotion to Jesus – “that now with the death of their daughter, they are turning to Jesus as a crutch or had some say that they believe in God but aren’t as extreme as us or had others run away or desert us due to our devotion to Jesus”.
My first thought on this which pops into my head as after I typed this is – I don’t care. And you know what – I really don’t care what people think anymore. If you’ve been through similar trials, you understand exactly what I’m talking about. Your priorities become very clear and basic. Life or Death clear. Jesus is THE WAY! I do not care what any man or woman or organization or company thinks about both my faith and my family’s faith in Jesus! I care about what Jesus thinks! This is extremely hard in this evil world when people make decisions that impact your earthly life, your livelihood but Jesus died for us so we could have eternal life! That is what we care about!
My second thought is this – nothing in this life is guaranteed especially life. You can be 100% healthy one day, terminal cancer the next like Hannah who suffered so much and died! You can turn your head slightly while driving on the freeway, crash and die instantly. You can experience a heart attack, stroke and bam, be dead.
The only thing 100% guaranteed in this world is death. Do people really want to gamble on the thought that it doesn’t matter what you believe and that you will get to heaven not hell regardless or that there isn’t such a thing as eternal joy or eternal damnation! I really hope not!
God loved us so much that He gave us free will so you can do it if you want but I can say for 100% fact through my life and especially through the journey of Hannah’s life, that He is our Savior, He is real, He is majestic, He is great and He comforts and lifts us up each day even when we can’t go on. Who is He – He is Jesus – the name above all names and who every knee will bow and every tongue will confess is Lord!
In Hope,
Bill
PS – For those of you reading this blog, who don’t know Jesus, buy a Bible, read about Him, start in the book of John and study His life. Ask God to speak to you through His inspired Word. Email us at thehopeofhannah@gmail.com , we will pray with you, talk with you and try to guide you. There are helpful Jesus loving & Bible believing churches near where you live and we can help you or will find someone who can help you!